I haven't blogged for ages...and I don't know why. If anything I have plenty to write about,I work in the inner city and have daily mishaps (always good for a laugh) or views on certain situations that are taking place. Anyways, my biggest question from family and friends is why did I stay last year and why do I continued to do what I do. I hope this helps.

Why I stayed and did not quiet last year…

The Friday that opened my eyes:

I threw the teachers edition on the floor and screamed. “ I am NOT dealing with you anymore, I give up.” My class of 24 sixth graders (I was pulling in for reading giving myself 14 extra students on top of my 10 emotional disturbed boys) looked at me surprised, three gasped, and 21 started to laugh. Not snickering. Full out, hold your stomach, mouth open, laughing.

“Great! We don’t like you anyway and this class is booooorrrining! “

“Miss you be turning kind of red.”

“Miss you be ballin and you be Hype.”

“Miss we told you, you wouldn’t last.”

I gritted my teeth, turned around and wrote on the board…page 27 (1-35). “Do it if you want,” I said. The three gasping students opened their books and started working. The rest swiveled in their seats and talked to friends, doodled, or put their heads down and went to sleep.

I walked to my desk, biting my lip and trying not to cry. What was I doing here? The kids would rather anyone (or no one) be in this room, parents were yelling at me as I fumbled through IEP meetings, the administration had spoken to me about my excessive referrals to the office, my “mentor teacher” refused to speak to me and I hated every second of the day.

I literally counted down the minutes left to teach; at the beginning of the day I had 250 minutes that felt endless, after lunch, I was thrilled to be down to 150 minutes. I just had to make it to 3:09pm.
Unfortunately, ending the school day didn’t end the feelings of dread and failure, the constant questioning of how to get better and the misery of thinking everyone else could do this but me.

Some days I couldn’t figure out why I was at Richard Wright Elementary in North Philadelphia. The students didn’t want me there, the administration didn’t want me there, the only people who
wanted me there were the teachers but I was miserable. People told me this would be rewarding, but I didn’t even like my students. People said that it wasn’t that rough, but nothing could happen in my room expect fights, back talking and defiance. They told me I could make a difference and I didn’t know how. But, I stayed. Against my better judgment, I stayed. Against any hope of success, I stayed. And, against any choice that would make life easier, I stayed. I’ve told this story to friends, family, corps members, and even strangers. Everyone asks the same question: WHY? Why did you do that to yourself? Why did you stay?

I always try to quantify all of my answers into neat numbered lists. Depending on my audience, I would choose one of the following answers, although they all rang very deeply true.

1. I really believed it could be done. As students swore at me, I recalled the inspiring opening speeches at institute the summer of 2006: Kids learning to read, teachers creating amazing systems, and classrooms running themselves. I didn’t really know how, but if they could do it I could do it. If their kids could do it, then my kids could definitely do it. I just had to figure out how. I wasn’t ready to give up on my kids or myself.

2. Commitment. I signed up for this (Lets be honest giving up is NOT in my blood) I already made the decision. I was the same person that labored over my application and was excited (that I got into a VERY competitive program consisting of mostly IV league students and top notch University’s) to open the letter containing my placement. My initial inspiration, passion and commitment had to be somewhere.

3. The realization that social change isn’t easy. If closing the achievement gap were quick and fun then it wouldn’t exist anymore. I reminded myself that my frustrating day (or month) with bad classroom management was nothing compared to civil rights workers being harassed and lynched for registering voters or even the daily struggles of my own students. This was hard, but people had sacrificed so much more to make the world right and I couldn’t walk away because I wasn’t having fun. What if everyone had done that? Where would our county be? Whose rights would have ever been protected?

4. I stayed for the glimmers. One day when a student did well on a test, when someone read their first words (NO JOKE), when someone raised there had to participate, or when the whole class finally understood what an inference was. I knew if I increased the glimmers from one a day to two a day to four, eventually the whole day would be solid. Hopefully, I would end with only glimpses of the out of control classroom I once had. I know getting to the other side might be a slow process (but hey I am used to slow process right?) and that I would just have to grit my teeth and fight.

5. I stayed because I know the feeling: Sure I wasn’t a kid with emotional disturbance. But I was a kid who knew what it was like to want to throw in the books. I knew what it was like to fail time after time. I knew what it was like to have such vast challenges ahead that I didn’t even know where to start. I knew what it was like to go to speech therapy. I knew what it was like to finally have the guts to read aloud only to stutter the whole way threw and ended up crying and losing all confidence in myself. I knew what it was like to study really hard for a test to only find out I failed. I knew what it was like feeling as though the light bulb would never click on. I knew what it was like to be labeled. I knew what it was like to feel like no matter how hard I worked I was never going to succeed. I knew what it was like when your very much younger brother was smarter then you. I knew what it was like…

I also knew what it was like when mountains turned into success!

6. I stayed for: Gregory, Haneef, Khiry, Jakeem, Yahseer, Julian and Hasson. Kids who had the power to make me angry, frustrated, shocked, scared, and ultimately proud.

7. I also stayed for my parents who made sure I was in the best schools in the best school districts, who encouraged and supported me know matter what, and who sacrificed thousands upon thousands of hours studying with me and NOT getting frustrated after the tenth time of going over the SAME problem.

The reason to stay, all of which would come and go by the hour, weren’t enough. With the shaky rationale behind me, I had to make the final leap. I had to just decided to commit. I had to say to myself this is it; I don’t have an option anymore. I’m not going to drive to school and think about walking away. I am not going to call my father crying at 3:15pm in the school parking lot anymore. I’m not going to talk about it with my friends anymore. I am staying and now I have much bigger and more purposeful things to worry about: how can I get better, how can I engage my students and how can I make my pre institute ideal happen.

So what happened when I stayed? Did I change the lives of children? Did I drag kids though six grade, who would have dropped out? Did I learn that there is nothing I would rather dedicate my life to than ensuring that children have choices? Yes, yes and yes!!!

So how did the change happen? I left work one Friday night went straight to staples and picked up loads of poster board, markers, glitter, color tape and anything colorful that I could get my hands on. I made posters all weekend with my friend Aaron and redid my lesson plans that basically excluded any educational (reading, writing or math) learning for three weeks.

Monday morning Aaron and I got to my school at 630am. We put tape outside my door, rearranged the classroom and hung everything on the walls. I picked my “kids” up in the yard at 830am…

“Fuck that bitch… she is so JOE why won’t she just roll”

“ Yea she be nothing but a White Ass Cracker anyways”

I just waited till all 10 of my boys got in line. We walked upstairs and I made them stand against the wall outside my door. I explained that the tape is a divider between the halls of Richard R Wright and Ms Lagos’s class. When you cross that tape you are in my classroom and you must follow my rules. For the next three weeks I did not let my “kids” breathe without me. We all went to the bathroom together, I gave up my prep and went with them to prep (music, gym, computer lab and science) I went with them to lunch and recess. For the next three weeks we did the TRIBE book. We worked on community building activities. We worked on NOT throwing desk when we were mad (and going to the peace corner instead), not cursing, not putting our classmates down, (your mom is a CRACK WHORE) not thinking negatively and following directions which sometimes meant taking 45mins just to line up correctly.

I started calling all my kids on my way to work, to make sure they were up and heading to school for breakfast to show them that I cared. I started being real with my kids and letting them know about the struggles and adversity that I faced growing up. I started letting them know that my parents cared about them. Ellie and my Dad bought the Magic Tree House Series (a second grade reading level…but my boys had no idea) and I started giving them out as rewards (they loved these books and treated them like gold) to take home and read. Mom and Dave sent a box full of snowcaps, gloves, and other stuff that I slowly gave out for good behavior.

Before long we become a family! Like any family thought, we had continual problems and outbursts. It was funny because my “kids” would treat me like garbage some days, but if an outside student came in and said shit to me…they would be all over that student.

Some Student Quotes that have stuck with me:
• Yo Yongebo you can’t say that in Ms Lagos’s class
• Don’t be drawl with Ms Lagos…she be raping with us
• Don’t be Salty to Ms Lagos she be really believing in us
• Ms Lagos might be Hype but she be giving us cool Jawns and trying to bust a Wu Tang
• Ms Lagos I think you’re the WORST teacher ever….PSYCH NAW…(and it a very humble and quite voice) thanks for believing that we can do anything.

My 10 boys (and 14 other students who pulled in for reading) and I had a love hate relationship. There were many good days that out weighed the bad ones. Like when we came up with the president’s rap (Now lets get down to some presidential learning, will start with George Washington straight from Mount Vernon) and my boys shouted in the halls that Ms Lagos and her white self could rap. Or when we went to the park and had water ice on Saturdays as a reward for good behavior. Or when my boys would call me and say that they were sorry for their bad behavior, and Haneeff calling me on Thanksgiving and Christmas to say hello!

So to all the folks that have asked what last year was about or why I do what I do, I hope that this gives you some insight to why I am doing what I am doing.